Preview the Book (excerpts)
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Meet Baden, my
ambassador of love in Chapter 16. |
Chapter 1
Walking though the fire/Open your eyes Mom
I remember my father holding me in his arms. I was looking down
at my mother, and her eyes were closed. There was a mesh veil
over her and the frame around her. I could only see her from the
waist up, and I reached out for her, calling out Mommy, only to
hear no reply. I so desperately wanted to go to her and didn’t
understand why I couldn’t. She was so beautiful and so quiet, so
at peace. I can still see the dress she wore. I never saw the
lid close on the casket, nor do I remember seeing her being
lowered into the ground. At the age of four, how was I to know
anything about the long journey of loss that was ahead of me. I
only remember the tears in my Father’s eyes.
Chapter 7
Through a Child's Eyes
Having been a young child and viewing life differently than
most, it is very evident to me that children see and grasp much
more than we as adults realize. In my youth my perspective of
adults was developed as I experienced their treatment of me. As
a n adult watching my son grow and experience events as divorce
or anger he may have seen, I can see the impact on his life now
at age twenty-two. I learned through Anthony, that children do
experience the trauma of family dramas. We as adults tell
ourselves, the children are doing fine while going through the
event. The children on the other hand sometimes tell us they are
doing fine, because they do not want to make waves, or hurt
their parents, but mostly because they want to tell us what they
think we want to hear.
Chapter 9
There's More than One Cinderella
Looking back, I am reminded of the times when my girlfriends
were all getting hope chests (as young girls did back then) for
when they married. I requested one for Christmas or my birthday.
My stepmother’s response was, “You mean a hopeless chest right?
Who would want to marry you?” To this day, I have to say it
still hurts to think someone forty-some years my senior felt she
had to say such degrading things to a teenager.
Chapter 10
My Trip to Hollywood
It was an interesting and different group of people than I
was used to being around. People with normal everyday jobs,
pretty basic people were my surroundings. At the agency everyone
viewed life as if they lived in front of a camera. For example,
it was all about “the look.” You had to look a certain way,
dress a certain way, and certainly eat at the right restaurants
to be seen as successful. Everyone in the agency was always on
pins and needles for deadlines they had to meet. Things were
rush, rush, rush. Tempers would flair daily and the casualness
of the foul language used made it easy to get caught up in this
lifestyle.
Chapter 11
Pain and Loss has Many Faces
The next week, my father accused me of having sex with Joe. I
stared at my father and turned away; the tears rolled down my
face. Would anyone really listen to me? Finally, after much
questioning, I told my stepmother “Joe dumped me because he
could not have his way with me.” Her response – “well who needs
him?” That was not exactly what I wanted to hear. My desire was
for someone to put their arms around me and tell me “I did the
right thing.” Words of comfort would have been greatly
appreciated.
Chapter 16
I've Never Met a Maltese I Didn't Love
When I say Tiffany would later become my son’s dog, I am not
kidding. While I was pregnant with Anthony, Tiffy, as we
sometimes called her, experienced a false pregnancy with a
little squeaky toy honeybee. She would take the honeybee with
her everywhere. While I was resting or taking a nap, Tiffy would
bring the honeybee by me and lay down with it at her stomach.
She would be so protective of the honeybee you could not get it
from her. This went on for a few months and the noise of the
squeaky honeybee was getting old. We took Tiffy to the
veterinarian to see what was going on with her. The veterinarian
explained, she was in fact sharing my pregnancy and having one
of her own. We finally had to take the honeybee away from Tiffy
as it was making quite a bit of noise when she tried to nurse
it.
Chapter 17
Green and Red "m&m's"
Is depression real? I am here by the grace of God to tell you
with all my hearts, mind and soul, it is very real. Depression
is as real as cancer, a stroke, heart disease or any other
illness with a name and treatment. The stigma attached to
depression adds to the greater sense of loss one feels while
going through it. You may experience feelings in which you have
lost not only control of yourself, but the control over your
world around you. It definitely destroys any dignity you might
have had prior to the illness. Depression can be a devastating
loss in and of itself; some people are never the same after
depression. Today there are wonderful treatments available, but
more importantly there is Jesus.
Chapter 20
It's Time to Come Out From the Covers
I knew this would not only require God’s help. There would be
a need of an Angel, an earthly counselor to help me find the
way. I found one, her name is Kim Johnson and I am still working
with her.
We started with the loss of my mother at age four. My history
allowed a thought process of alienation from my mother. No one
ever told me as a child, my heart could hold my mother and keep
her alive in me. She is now a part of my daily life.
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